After the initial barrage of phone calls from friends and various media outlets, I decide it best to plug in my answering machine and turn off the ringer. 'This is Jay, I can't take your call right now-but I want you to know I'm OK. Please leave a message.' The message was somber and straight forward.
I watched about an hour of the media coverage, flipping from one channel to the next-trying to get the broadest view of what had happened before my eyes just a few short hours ago. I need to go to bed, I have to work at 6am...I can't possibly sleep right now, my mind is still spinning. I'm amazed at the parade of people, who where either there on the bridge or in the general vicinity when it happened, standing before the lights and cameras-able to give their account of the tragedy...so soon. Most were calm and somewhat articulate, a few tears flowed...but most were calm. I would be in complete hysterics if I tried to relate my point of view right now...how can they do it? Why would they want to do it?...It's too soon, too raw...they all seem to grasp the events that have transpired...I still don't understand...there is no common logic to describe and justify it....I don't know how to put it in clear concise words yet....it's still too much too grasp....
I shut off the TV and walk out to my back porch, as I pass my answering machine in the kitchen I can hear it click into action-recording yet another message...the number listed as "private call" on my caller ID. I look at the message count-12...I hear it click into action yet again...13....
I sit on my darkened porch, smoking cigarette after cigarette-staring blankly into the night outside. It's probably somewhere around 11:30pm or so...I'd usually be in bed by 9-10pm on a work night. I try to sort through all the details swirling madly through my head, to put some order to the events...figure out what I saw, what I did...what had happened. The whole bridge just fell...it only took seconds, SECONDS...I close my eyes over and over again-trying to get a grasp on the images, trying to gain some order to the events. It's useless, it's all just a giant jumble...I have all the pieces...I'm just not sure the correct order.
I find myself sobbing silently over and over again. Each time I would gain composer a new image would appear and I would again find myself sobbing...at times crying aloud.
At around 4:30 am I decide to begin my new day as normally as possible, I start my morning routine; make coffee, brush my teeth, shave, shower, dress for work. I have to go about my normal routine or I won't get through this...I have to keep moving forward. I pass the answering machine in the kitchen-57 messages, I start to assemble a normal breakfast; cereal, juice, toast, vitamins, allergy pills....I hope nobody at work saw my name in the paper...I just want to get through the morning as normally as possible. I go to the front porch and retrieve the morning paper, I quickly scan the front page...second column, bottom left...Jay Danz, 45, of St. Paul was on his way to the Metrodome...tears begin streaming down my face, I can feel my body shaking just a bit more than it has for the last 11 hours...Crap!...I really don't want to talk about it...I just want a normal day...crap!.
I manage to get through the morning with only brief comments about my experience. Those who know, see the hurt in my eyes and don't pursue further questioning.
As I arrive back home, Kitty(my younger sister with whom I share a duplex) is waiting for me on the front porch-she had been at work all night. We embrace and both immediately break down into sobbing babies. We walk into the apartment, I take her into the kitchen to show her the answering machine...91 messages. I press play "...this is Mary from Fox News...." -beep- "...this is Jenny from Fox News..." -beep- "...this is Ann from The Washington Post...." -beep- "...this is Stephannie from Fox News...." -beep- "...this is...from USA Today...." -beep- "this is Catherine from the Daily Telegraph..." -beep- "...this is Mary from Fox News again..." -beep- "...this is Kelly from ABC News..." -beep- "...this is John from NBC..." -beep- ........it goes on and on, I'm offered spots on almost every show Fox News has to offer, ABC said I can be on Good Morning America with Charles Gibson and Diane Sawyer...I get calls from major news radio stations, public radio, local morning drive time shows in Boston, Los Angeles, New York and even Fargo, ND...most every major newspaper has called and even the Readers Digest wants my story....I keep the answering machine on.
I have no desire to be the face of this horrific tragedy and I know I would have a hard time clearly articulating the details without completely becoming a blubbering idiot. I truly don't know what to say or how I'm supposed to act. The phone continues to ring for the next few days, slowly dwindling to a few calls here and there, I'm relived when I can finally plug my regular phone back in and actually answer it myself. I did carefully choose a couple newspapers to tell my story, The Washington Post and The Daily Telegraph as I felt they had the broadest reach and everyone else could just steal it from the A.P. wires. I refused to do any live broadcast interviews or any on camera...I just would have felt...well 'icky' for lack of a better word. Fox News finally gave up on me.
I continued to keep to my daily routine; work, gym, read the paper, watch some TV...my friends and family were all very considerate of not asking me about it. They gave me the time to sort it out and find the best way to communicate the details to them. That is the ultimate purpose of this blog right now, this is the best way I can explain it to my family and friends. This allows me to help sort it all out in my head as best I can-this allows me to only have to really say it once.
Earlier in the week I had made plans to go shoot pool Friday night with one of my best friends, David, I hadn't spoke with him since the incident...I knew he wouldn't have been there as he works and lives in a different area of Minneapolis. I really needed to get out of the house and participate in a social activity, pool is one of my favorite things to do on the weekends. I met him at the bar at the previously agreed time, he made some idle chit chat about the bridge collapse-I just let him talk as I listened. We began our game of pool, conversation turned to the usual things; music, work, life in general.....he hadn't read the paper-he didn't know I was there...I can have a NORMAL evening out! I still haven't mustered up the courage to talk with him about it, but I do want to let him know just how great it was to have a NORMAL evening out...to not have to tell my story one more time. I'll probably send him the link to this blog, along with a heartfelt thank you.
CNN had initially approached me to be on a special segment they do about everyday heroes-they wanted to feature me and others who helped at the scene as "heroes." I stated that I was greatly humbled that they would even use the word "hero" to describe my actions, but carefully explained I did what I did because that's what my parents taught me, it's how any human being should react. I told them the real hero of that school bus was Jeremy Hernandez, the young man who was on that bus-who went through the same horrifying experience as all those children, yet sprung into action instantaneously-getting the back door open and getting everyone off that bus. He is the one who motivated me to spring into action, to lend a hand to the kids. He is the person they should truly honor and I would be happy to speak in honor of his heroism. 'We need more young people like Jeremy, we need to hold him up as a remarkable example to the youth of today...' They eventually agreed and plan to put together a formal tribute in the next few weeks.
I know if I had played the media game, that I too could have been part of the presidential photo ops and I too could revel in the attention and admiration of complete strangers from around the world...but that's just not me. I've never been one for attention, I am the classic "wall flower"...a true introvert. I'm more than happy to let others tell their stories and take the spotlight away from me.
One week to the day after the bridge collapse I received a call from an F.B.I agent, I had called and given my name to the N.T.S.B. as a witness to the collapse-as they had instructed in the local paper. He made it clear to me right away that the F.B.I. was only "...assisting the N.T.S.B. with the investigation as they were short handed and needed help with eye-witness interviews...nothing more..." It was pretty heady stuff to have an agent come to my door and show me his I.D.-like in the movies. I don't know how much I helped, I could only tell him what my mind could discern from the events of that day-it's still kinda convoluted and unclear. All and all he was very professional, kind and considerate to my situation and the aftereffects it has had on me.
The only reason I write my story in this blog today is so I don't have to verbalize these words, so those close to me who want to know-can. The healing process for me is to keep moving forward, to bring back as much normality to my everyday life as I can. I will never be the same person I was before this all happened, but I will use this to make me stronger-I will use this to better understand just how fragile the world around me can be. Yet how amazing my fellow man is when it comes to helping one another in the face of such horrific tragedy...how selfless so many people really are.
I intend to keep this blog active, as I had said before-it was something I had wanted to do previously. From this point on it will be about my daily observations about life in general, the things that inspire me, thrill me, irritate me...just general musings from one lowly guy who shares an enormous planet with billions of people. This will be my personal therapy, a way to work it all out in my head-to give myself a forum to simply vent about living life.
Please keep those people and families directly affected in your thoughts and prayers.
Talk to you soon.
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